Saturday/Sunday was the first time I’ve ever officially broken up with someone, even though we hadn’t made it to the “official” boyfriend/girlfriend status.
It was especially hard to do, because it wasn’t exactly mutual. We’d been seeing each other for a almost a month and a half, and it all started out perfectly. Somewhere along the line, though, it was like a switch went off. Conversations became incredibly stale. I had to force myself to be “me” whenever I was around her, when I really had nothing to say, but if some random character came up, I could talk their ear off. It started to feel like all we had going was sexual tension, and that’s not something to base any relationship off of. Important, maybe, but not enough to serve as the backbone.
What hurts is that she was really one of the nicest girls I’ve met. Witty, weird, fun-loving, and very booksmart. I still admire her determination - it’s one of her trademark characteristics. Shit, during the nightmare that was me smoking “Death,” she was the one who took care of me.
So why I don’t feel… anything? If anything, I feel bad for not wanting her more, I guess. On paper, she’s everything I could ask for and then some. Maybe that isn’t enough.
Whatever the case may be, she picked up on it soon enough, and when she started subtweeting some self-doubting stuff, it felt like decision time. At the end of the day, I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I continued to lead her on to the point where she’d really caught major feelings, and they weren’t being reciprocated. I’m hoping we can be friends, just as she is, but we’re definitely in an awkward phase. It’ll pass, I hope.
I don’t know where this leaves me, apart from feeling bad for hurting her (even though she said she was fine, it was all over Twitter).
Shit, man. Breaking up is never easy. And if a person tells you otherwise, then they were in a shitty relationship from the jump.
Biggest rule of every day Don’t wish and wonder it away Don’t dilly dally and delay What must be done Don’t sit and say That it’s too hard Or it just seems Impossible to reach your dreams We’d all rather go out and play But when you feel like like leaving… Stay Focus on…
Awhile back, I posted a Facebook status about the bullshit in the whole Illuminati conspiracy phenomenon that attracted a lot of unwanted attention from people looking for an argument. Little did they know that I’ve been involved in forum debates on the internet since I was 12, so I know my way around a word or two. The following post is a slightly edited version of my retaliation (this was one extra long comment).
The original point of the status, which you’ve over-exaggerated, was unless you’re planning on doing something about it, don’t speak so loudly about it. Part of the issue with society in general is that there are too many would-be doctors, and not enough cures. Too many people preach, not enough people put in the action.
Second, the most we can do is question our sources. How do you know it’s the real truth? Because you found it on the internet? Anyone and everyone can gain access to the internet. That’s about as insightful as claiming Wikipedia as a source, knowing full and well that anyone at any time can alter the information available. I could start a website right now about how Magic Johnson practices voodoo to stay alive with his AIDS, and post pictures of him allegedly in poses that resemble ancient spells. But unless that’s verified by Magic Johnson, or any respected professional, and you don’t know the sources of my information, then how can you tell it’s true?
Because enough people said it was true? Not good enough. There was a time when the world was believed to be flat. All evidence pointed towards it being true. It took several centuries for the general populace to reconsider that “truth.” Hitler convinced an entire nation that the source of all evil was the Jewish population, which led to the brutal deaths of tens of millions of innocent victims. Belief in a popular ideal without fully considering all of it’s implications and ramifications is a very, very dangerous habit.
Finally, and honestly, if it’s such a secret organization, how do so many people know about it? Would that mean that someone within the organization is leaking everything you know about it? Why don’t they threaten every person who makes a post or goes on a rant about these supposed devil worshipers? It’s all knowledge they aren’t supposed to possess, right?
If you really, really consider it? Things don’t add up.
What you’re suggesting is that there’s an entire organization of BLACKS who are intentionally promoting further ignorance and corruption in our communities for no other reason than “because they feel like it.” According to these sources, Oprah was already the most powerful woman in the world before they “recruited” her, so clearly they aren’t doing it to gain power.
And, honestly, from a purely aesthetic point of view. Let’s say all of it is true. And all of us are lucky enough that these powers that be haven’t struck us down for knowing too much. Do the views and/or actions of individuals really have an instantaneous effect on who it is you are just because you support an artform? Does playing a Kanye album make me a devil worshiper? That’s exactly saying that reading a poem by Langston Hughes or listening to an Elton John song makes you a homosexual.
I don’t know the answers. I will never claim to. Ultimate knowledge is only reserved for the Almighty, and I would never trespass upon His glory by assuming I knew all. Maybe there really is a secret organization.
My question to you is: “So?
(Note: After this post, the people who tried to argue deleted their comments off my status, so that all that was left was this super long response. They were mad, I guess.)
“All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible.”—T.E. Lawrence
so last night right, there was this “Last Class” party at the Colosseum - crazy night.
But thats besides the point of this post ; i was dancing with this super cute guy - he’d been hovering around me too long & i know him so i decided “alright im gonna grab you & dance with you since you have no…
o.O So was Emerald or Shaquanda texting me last night?
It’s complete and total ass, mind you. When on the spot, I blank out, so I replace conscious thought with random shenanigans (you don’t even want to hear the last line I spit, lmao). But we’ve been told by the pros that the more we do it, the better we’ll get.
"Learn to unsync your mouth from your thinking-thoughts" - O.H.M.
So, hopefully, this being-ass period won’t last too long. I’m hoping eventually to start writing something meaningful again, and hopefully I’ll be able to come off the top of the head with the sickness like the best of ‘em.
I really, really want this being-ass period to end soon, though. :/
What you’re reading right now is a replacement for an incredibly lengthy post about the things I can’t post about.
I’ve learned my lesson in the past about leaving personal dilemmas out in the public where those who’re around me can see. Especially ones that involve other people who could have access to your inner thoughts at a moment’s notice.
It kinda sucks that the things I want to talk about the absolute most are the things that would get me in the ultimate amount of trouble. I’d write about other things, but a lot of what’s going on right now is really eating up a majority of my headspace.
I need to go and drown myself in comic books, music and more video games now.
While I was procrastinating on my final paper for a class and tweeting about noodles, my friend and I unexpected got knee deep in a pretty cool conversation. I dug up the raw tweets and cleaned ‘em up a smidge.
DISCLAIMER: This one is pretty long. In Word, it took up 2 pages.
Raashid Bell Truly it isn’t. *goes to make another bowl of noodles instead*
Yves Del Rosario Lol. Bowl of noodles to help ease the mind? Or help ease the stomach?
Raashid Bell The stomach. Nothing eases the mind except sleep, my friend.
Yves Del Rosario And knowledge. Well, to ease and to further confuse.
Raashid Bell Knowledge is the ultimate source of unending confusion, my friend. The more we know, the more we question. Understanding and acceptance are the true paths to inner peace
Yves Del Rosario It’s a nice concept…people always look for knowledge to answer their questions, when in all they just further the confusion
Raashid Bell Yet, at the same time, knowledge provides balance between misguidance and ignorance.
Yves Del Rosario Yeah…that is true. But there are instances where they get the knowledge and suddenly they get this superiority complex.
Raashid Bell These are not true seekers of knowledge. They are seekers of power, and a sense of entitlement. Of which, there are many paths. Knowledge is, admittedly, the less traveled route, and often times the difference is misleading.
Imagine, if you will, a world in which the question “Why?” never came into existence. Would there be peace, or would there be chaos?
Yves Del Rosario I guess it all depends on how oneself uses the knowledge that is given to them.
Raashid Bell You, my friend, have discovered the hole in all things - Man, and his ability to choose. The gift of free will.
Yves Del Rosario Exactly. A lot of people see things as already chosen for them. In entirely, it’s not. We are given the ability to choose.
Raashid Bell And the ability to do so presents the age-old tale of balance, yin and yang, right and wrong. Virtue and vice. As long as we possess the ability to choose, there will always be those who choose the less honorable approach. Knowledge so far is the only weapon with which we combat such evils, yet ultimately we fail. Men and women slip through the cracks. Until and unless someone discovers the solution to free will (arguably, some already have), many problems will forever remain.
Yves Del Rosario But then that would go back to the concept of virtue and vice. For every evil, there will be good.
Raashid Bell Which, my friend, leads us right back to the source; the hole in all things - Man, and his freedom to choose. Truthfully, the concept of man is living yin and yang.
Yves Del Rosario There will always be people that are ignorant to new ideas and ways. Malice, destruction, the whole nine.
Raashid Bell Just as there will always be those who are knowledgeable, and still choose the wrong path. Similarly, there are those who are ignorant of these higher truths, and still lead morally clean lives.
Raashid Bell @NXV11 Nah, you’ll be fine. Grab a bowl of noodles and chime in if you’d like.
Yves Del Rosario Now that is true.
Raashid Bell Now, consider all that we have brought up in this discussion, and factor “Why?” into the equation.
Nicholas X Valcin I would have to say because people want to live the way they choose
Raashid Bell And if I were to ask you “Why?” to that?
Yves Del Rosario That would just exponentially increase the questions. The concept of “Why?” itself is a big issue.
Raashid Bell Aha! And herein lies my final point. Those who are taught to question will ultimately reach the point in which there is no pre-existing answer. Once this wall of reasoning is reached, it leaves MANY questions unanswered, and further contemplation leads only to confusion. Yet, when tempered with acceptance, and understanding, we find peace in knowing that the unknown still exists. Hence - Knowledge is the ultimate source of confusion. Understanding & acceptance are the ultimate sources of peace.
Nicholas X Valcin So this all went back to your original point
Raashid Bell Indeed. We continue on the quest for knowledge, to soothe an insatiable hunger. In the end though, without acceptance nor understanding, all is moot.
A sure-fire way to get on my badside is to intentionally mis-pronounce or mis-spell my name or anyone I know.
Call me foolish if you will, but I’m a child of old school sensibilities, and one of the original rules is that you never mis-pronounce a black man’s name. Many things in this world can be taken away at a moment’s notice, but the one thing they can never take away is your title.
When someone calls upon you by name they are unknowingly calling upon the very powers behind the meaning of your birth title, and mine is something I take very seriously.
Incredibly few individuals will I allow to call me “Rah rah” or “shid”, because those names are not host to the same blessings.
If you can’t say it right, then don’t speak my name out loud. You’re only allowed to address me by “Mr. Bell” because you can’t handle my might by birthright.
Last year, our new principle at Oxon Hill (shout outs to Dr. Cadet!) made every senior English class read The Alchemist by Paolo Coehlo, which is an incredible book that deals with destiny, and every man’s Personal Legend.
There was one particular line in this book that, only recently, has begun to resonate with me. To quote:
When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream.
The last twelve years of my free education, I felt like I was lost, with no clear direction, and only sheer faith pushing me forward. I had no goals, no determination other than to make it out of the hell hole that had become my home.
But I almost didn’t make it into college.
I’d done no research whatsoever into any school. I knew next to nothing about what I wanted to do with my life in the future. I didn’t have the grades to pull any full scholarships anywhere, and I was too lazy to research any other alternatives.
If it were left up to me, at the time of typing this, I would still be in my mother’s basement, draining electricity for the internet and my PS3.
On a whim, someone told me to apply to Temple U. And it just so happened that they offered me a scholarship. It wasn’t much, but it was leaps and bounds more than any other school offered.
Little emotion went into packing and leaving. I was ready to go, and my mother was ready to be rid of me. Moving in felt less foreign and more like something to do at the time.
Then out of nowhere, it feels like things began falling into place.
Almost immediately, in fact. The people who I pride myself in calling friends, have become such a huge wellspring of inspiration. Meeting women who are in tune with their mind, body, and soul in such a way that I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined existed. Meeting men who speak from their heart and can formulate conscious thought without profanity or slurs, but rather with the vocabulary of a scholar. Getting involved with the Babylon event, which was the sexiest underground talent showcase ever. The freestyle Friday cyphers. The artists on tumblr and twitter who continue to push out glorious work. The poets who wrap their fingers around your heartstrings and play your emotions like a marionette. The radio show that my boys and I featured on.
It’s all coming together, I’m aware enough to sense this. Where this path leads, I am not entirely certain, but even the name that was bestowed upon me at birth, “Raashid - Guided by God; One who follows the right path” has given me reassurance to be unafraid, and to walk confidently on this road into the unknown.
Where it will lead I cannot say. The only certain thing is that it leads to my inevitable success.